Thursday, April 22, 2010

10 Things NOT to Do for Earth Day's 40 Anniversary

1. Ride your bike on a busy city sidewalk without bell, horn, or the recognition that you're the one causing the problem, not the pedestrians.

2. Put every organic item generated by your household into your back yard compost pile, upwind from your neighbors, including your child's allegedly biodegradable and certainly full diapers.

3. Buy a hybrid SUV just for the occasion.

4. Insist that everyone you're walking with stop while you identify each bird, plant, tree, and flower you see as you consult various guides.

5. Say "Gaia" more than twice. (Actually, once.) (Corollary: Say, "Wouldn't it be great if every day were Earth Day?" with any trace of sincerity.)

6. Snicker sophomorically every time you hear "Senator Gaylord Nelson" in a news story about the origins of the first Earth Day in 1970.

7. Skip your shower to save water. (First corollary: Suggest co-showering to those clearly not interested or likely to be interested, ever; Second corollary: Overdo it on the non-flushing.)

8. Hector. Anyone. About anything environmental. (Corollary: Exceed more than two fawning references to any of the following: Rachel Carson, Gifford Pinchot, Teddy Roosevelt, Al Gore, John Muir, David Brower, Paul Ehrlich, Bill McKibben, Aldo Leopold, Edward Abbey, Annie Dillard, Wendell Berry, Captain Planet, Woodsy the Owl, the Crying Native American Man, or James Cameron and/or the Na'vi.)

9. Drive your car out of the suburbs or city so that you can experience "real" Nature on Earth Day, then drive home and pop "LIFE," "EARTH," or "BLUE PLANET" in the Blu-Ray to watch more "real" nature on the 60 inch plasma.

10. Detox. (That's New Year's Day, dumb ass.)

No comments:

Post a Comment